Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives
they were given by him upstairs
and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented
to calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
FRANK LAUGHS
Scatter.
Party!
Is this the gaff? I thought you said she'd moved.
She did.
(Maureen) I think it's time now, Patrick.
DISTORTED SOUNDS
My daughter, Patrick. Rachel.
Of course, she looked different towards the end,
once the heroin had got hold of her.
- You gave it to me. - (Paddy) No.
CAR ALARM BLARES
ALARM OFF
(Paddy) My Mammy would tell us terrifying tales of witches and ogres
who'd gobble up children. I'd have nightmares and scream the place down.
Morning.
Just up?
(Mimi) I didn't sleep too good.
Before you know it, you're a parent yourself.
The joys are beyond expectation, but the fear paralyses beyond words.
Not saying hello?
- Uurgh. - Turkish wrestling.
Big hairy blokes in leather shorts covering themselves in oil,
rolling around, trying to get their hands down each other's pants.
So you tell your babies those same terrifying fairytales that kept you awake
to prepare them for just how hardcore this world can be.
Because monsters do exist.
Jesus Christ!
- What are you doing? Jamie's downstairs. - I just want to talk.
- Where's Mandy? - Going to her folks,
tell them about the engagement party.
Tomorrow night, if you and Dad can make it.
I know it's short notice, so...
We couldn't really move on from his affair.
- Affair? - (Micky) Who's taped over
me Turkish wrestling?
How many affairs have you heard of where a person kidnaps another
- and turns him into a smackhead? - I'll kill ya!
This wasn't some great romance, Mum. Then comes the day
when strangers don't scare them any more,
and that's when your nightmares return.
(Joe) I don't want to hurt her again.
She's a good person.
She's the kind of girl you love and want to spend the rest of your life with.
Whereas you, however...
are a dirty slag who shagged your best mate's fella,
cos that's all you're good for, with your tight tops and your short skirts.
- How far gone? - Fuck off and die!
You don't know whose it is, do you?
Oh, now you really belong to me.
Jamie!
(Jamie) I never really thought I wanted to.
But do you now?
Want one, I mean?
You can't control these things.
If it comes, it comes. If it doesn't...
well, that's fine, too.
I'll try.
It's not about trying. It's about nature, and biology.
Come on, Debs, I gotta go to the post office.
Well, take her with you.
The post office? Don't be daft! She hasn't had all her jabs yet.
Has she?
- Liam, school. - Oh, Fiona...
- Exactly. - See you, Frank.
You can't leave me in charge of a baby!
Oh, get off!
Don't even waste your breath, Frank.
- I think she's shat herself. - What are you doing?
You can't shirk your responsibility, Yvonne.
I only agreed to foster Liam and Stella so you could keep your family together.
Oi, get back here! I'm not a fucking nanny, Frank!
- I've got a shop to run. - Language, Yvonne.
(Debbie) Oh, I don't believe it!
He can't have had that job in the funeral parlour for more than an hour.
(Max mimics presenter) The male of the species flatters the female with acts
of ever more outlandish buffoonery
in a vain attempt to get his appendage gobbled
by one or preferably two handbags.
But wait. A rival gamma male approaches, boasting a larger appendage...
or a smaller plate in his head.
CAR HORN PLAYS GODFATHER THEME
- Morning. - Women!
What's all what about?
Women have a different selection process, Carl.
You know, they want transport.
Money.
They want mobility. A change of scenery.
They don't all want to hang around the Chatsworth and go to The Jockey.
Where you two off?
- Jockey. - Yoga.
CRISP BAG RATTLES
CRUNCHING CRISPS
BELL RINGS
VACUUM HUMS Fuck's sake, Lillian. Do you have to?
Lice.
Hey-hey!
WOLF WHISTLE
Two pints, please.
CHATTERING
What have I told you about first doors?
- No punters until yoga's done. - Come here.
Stress-free mammies equal stress-free babbies.
You, you prick, crunching crisps all the way through,
fucking gnaws me chakra right up!
Fucking Buddhists. Forever starting shit on the news.
Mark.
- How was last night? - 120 in tips.
- What, for one night's work? - Where's this?
Any jobs going?
Spit roast bar and grill behind Selfridges. VIPs, valet parking.
Got footballers tipping him.
But I've got him all to myself today, so don't be offended if we slip out and...
Ah, babe, I'm feeling a bit shagged, you know?
- Wouldn't mind just rolling a fat one... - Fucking students.
I'm back in at nine. Anyway, what are you doing that's so important?
Getting the money back for this suit and buying myself a new motor.
- Probably score more birds. - You're like some Benny Hill character!
Go on! That's me.
When did you set your sights so low, Carl?
What, cos I like shagging?
Liking shagging I've got no problem with.
Finding reasons to maintain a friendship with someone
who acts more and more like a walking ball-bag increasingly is.
So you get yourself a car and fuck off.
Mandy!
Can I give you a lift?
Joe's picking us up in a minute. Just at the kerb's fine.
Moving in, then, eh?
Heard you were working for him, too, now.
That right?
Businesswoman, is it?
Yeah, right(!)
Just renting out flats to DSS.
I didn't mean to seem weird before.
I think she's missing you pretty badly.
- Where on earth did you find this? - I've had it years.
It was your granny's.
(High-pitched) Kept her stuff in it.
I like it. It smells of her.
How are you doing?
Can't complain. Busy.
Got to get out, crack some heads.
There's a few debts I've neglected to take care of recently.
Coming tomorrow night? We're having an engagement party.
Your mum coming?
(Joe) All right, sweetie?
Nearly there. Just a couple more boxes.
All right, Paddy?
Flippin' heck! Gonna need a new gaff for all this stuff, eh?
Right, better get on with it.
See you tomorrow, then?
Tomorrow.
You and me have some unfinished business, Raymondo!
Oh, Paddy, Paddy! Er...
Fuck!
- You got any naloxone? - I got rid in case the Feds raided...
It's fuckin' legal, you stupid bastard!
But they can sue you for injecting someone against their consent or...
You're a fucking idiot! She's still breathing.
Call an ambulance.
I've got no battery.
(Man) Balls! Argh! Me balls!
- Argh! Me balls! - Micky!
- What's her name? - I dunno, we found her in the street.
- OK, and what's she had? - Heroin.
Mm-hm?
OK, naloxone, two milligrams.
OK, just keep her talking and get me IV access.
- (Nurse) You're OK. It's OK. - Give me IV access,
keep her monitored, and give her oxygen, OK?
Oh, fuck!
Er...Post Office police, coming through. 'Scuse me.
'Scuse me, Post Office bobby.
You'll be all right. Just do as I say. All right.
Hiya, Frank. Can you lend us a smoke?
Jackie! Fuckin' hell, you pregnant again?
Yeah, getting engaged an' all when I turn 14.
Well, congratulations, kid, that's just what we need round here.
What's this? Where's the rest?
Fuck off! Child benefit, £18.10, times two kids' worth. Check it again.
Right, if you think I'm fuckin' about here all day, filling in a new claims form,
think a-fuckin'-gain!
Gallagher, Vernon Francis, child benefit. Restart.
Now!
Stop!
This is housing benefit.
Housing benefit.
If it's about a child benefit claim, you're in the wrong department.
'Scuse me, love. I want to report a violation of the Human Rights Act.
Hang on, mate...
I thought he... I thought he was Mick Hucknall.
I've got this phobia about him - it's fuckin' worse than clowns.
It's not gingers per se, you know, I'm cool with th...
Some of my best mates... Well, not best mates, but...
You know, it's just that curly-haired, ginger ponce.
He just gives me the creeps!
It's an involuntary medical condition.
Even the mention of his name gives me the willies.
He just crept up on us! I know it's not him...
He looks so like him! It's just something gets me started.
Have you got a car for sale?
What's the address? I'm coming down now.
Anchor Way? Well, I'm on Anchor Way now. Where the fuck is CK Autos?
All right, Carlos?
It's a bit fuckin' different to the photo, Ches.
- It's an old photo, that. - It's a different reg and everything!
I sell loads of these.
Low profile. You'll never get a pull from the dibble in one of these.
It's a classic. The ladies love a classic.
Bit to the left, bit to the left.
Yeah.
Bollocks! Fuckin' score down the drain.
Buy low, sell high. Basic business, Carlos.
Bag's in the boot.
You scratch it, I sue. Comprende?
I don't need to tell you to keep your mouth shut about this, do I?
- So what was it? Bad smack? - Is there another kind?
No. I mean...
if there's contaminated drugs out there,
- then people should know, right? - Yeah.
Too strong for her. Second time she's been in this month.
I mean, I can see if they've got a bed for her tonight, but...
Well, what about her family? Her mum?
DOOR OPENS
COINS CLINK
MATCH STRIKES
Right, I'm not gonna get any more in. I'll shift these back to the flat.
Hi, Karen.
- See you, babe! - See ya!
- I'm late. Gotta get over to Longsight. - Can't you just sack it off?
I need to talk to you.
This is the first proper job I've ever had.
Starting to feel like a normal member of society.
Sorry I'm late, Sister.
OK.
BASS-HEAVY MUSIC THUMPS
You'll never guess what just happened.
What?
No, no, I can't tell you.
Sweet fit.
What?
I've been training and that.
Whose is that eco disaster outside?
Mine.
FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS
Something like this?
Exactly like this.
The man's a Photoshop genius!
- What are you up to? - Can't tell you.
Liam...
So it has come to this,
that a decent, hard-working man of this once great nation
should be deprived of a parent's basic staple - the child benefit!
Well, if it comes to the choice
of starving by the roadside or martyrdom...
..give me immortality!
Change we need!
I need change. I need change!
I need change! Hey! Get out!
I need change! I need change!
See? What did I tell you? It's a recognised medical condition.
What's this about child benefits?
One of the few benefits of having 'em, and now they've stopped it.
Well, what do you expect?
Liam and Stella are wards of court, in foster care.
So lickle Liam has to get a job in a call centre to pay for his Turkey Twizzlers?
No. His foster parents are expected to pay for them out of their allowance.
Foster care allowance.
- Have you got any tinned pâté, Stan? - No, I don't think we sell it.
£271.68 a week for Stella...
It's like tripe and rabbit in jelly. Pâté - you know, for going on toast?
..for Liam. Where's my fuckin' end?
- Did the tin have a picture of a cat? - That's it.
..any kids to foster if it wasn't for me. Me fuckin' child benefit's been stopped!
- Was it called Pussy Munch? - That's it, that's the one.
Bottom shelf, centre, next to the dog biscuits, Lillian.
That money is to pay for their upkeep.
- That money's stopped me child benefit. - Tough shit! I've had her all day anyway.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! The Government themselves
have decided to retire me from the parenting game.
She's your legal responsibility now, Yvonne.
You can't go abandoning children, can you?
Frowned upon in fostering circles, innit?
Right...
I'll give Debbie £40 a week - that'll cover the child benefit.
You have Stella nine while six daytimes,
I'll give you £2 an hour.
£2.50.
-£2. -£2.40.
£2.
-£2.30. - I tell you what, how does £1.90 sound?
£2.20.
-£1.80. - All right. No, no, no. £2.
£1.70.
Oh, fuck's sake, deal, deal!
One man can make a difference.
You've got an e-mail, Yvonne.
"We would be most delighted
"to put your two exciting new signings on tonight's guest list.
"Best wishes for the forthcoming season. Marco."
LOUD MUSIC PLAYS
How's this for low profile?
Good evening, gentlemen.
What the fuck are you doing here?
Same as any other self-respecting young, free, single millionaire footballer.
Here to claim a free bottle of champers. What other celebrities are here tonight?
- You're not a celeb. - The guest list will beg to differ, Mark.
Except that fucking idiot's told 'em I'm Danish.
Watch out - there's girls in here hooked to the tabloids,
looking for dumb young footballers to fill full of coke, fuck senseless,
and expose to the papers.
Right, well, if any of them come asking, I'll be over there.
MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH
(Tremulous) If you're waiting for me to beg for my life,
I swear to you I won't.
SHE WHIMPERS
SHE SNIFFS
(Paddy) I'm...
..I'm here to tell you I'm sorry.
(I'm so sorry.)
Ladies and gentlemen, can I just have your attention for a moment?
We have a very special guest with us here tonight,
all away from Ukraine, pop sensation Duma Paluma!
CHEERING
(Eastern European accent) There he is.
As I am sure you all know,
this is Danish international footballer Carlos Larsen.
CHEERING
He is very surprised for me to be here,
as we have been together for four years tonight!
You know, when I first saw him, he was playing in the final
against Aberjaizan.
And in the very last minutes, he took the ball from his own goal posts,
down the wing, shaking off defenders, and scored the winning goal!
CHEERING
The crowd picked you up and carried you on their shoulders,
chanting, "Carlos! Carlos!"
And then, you started to cry...
..like a little girl.
And then...
you pissed your pants.
UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER
And you were standing in front of all of those people,
sobbing like a little girl, with pissed pants.
I said then,
"That is passionate man.
"One day, I would dance with that man."
Happy birthday to you!
CHEERING # Happy birthday to you
# Happy birthday, Carlos Larsen
# Happy birthday to you! #
CHEERING
MUSIC STARTS
Na zdorovje!
Fuck me! Why are you doing this?
Er, famous footballer, Carlos Larsen!
(Eastern European accent) Happy birthday, Manchester football boy!
Ladies and gentlemen, can I get you any more drinks?
Vodka!
Where are you from in Denmark?
(Accent) Er, it's a little town, er... just outside of, er...Stockholm.
- You probably won't know it. - I thought Stockholm was in Sweden.
Well, yes, it is, um... a few miles from Sweden.
- Near Ikea? - Yes.
- And you're from Ukraine? - Oh, you know it?
- No. - Then why the fuck you asking?
MUSIC MUFFLED
ZIP SLIDES
You don't have much of an accent.
Well, no, I've travelled around a lot, you know.
Those girls, they are friends of yours?
What, them? No, I've only just met 'em. Don't even know their names.
Good. They remind me of wampires.
Is it vee or wee in English?
Vampires!
No, it's wampires. You're right.
PADDY LAUGHS
They're both mental.
As for Mandy, she's got herself a decent job,
renting properties with her new fiancé.
They've got an engagement party tomorrow night at The Jockey.
It's the pub that... ELECTRIC FIZZLING
..Jamie, my eldest, runs.
Nice.
I've thought about you a lot.
They call that Stockholm syndrome.
And about Rachel.
She was a good girl.
Beautiful.
She didn't hang out with the wrong sort.
Ballet lessons, gymnastics, horse riding.
Better schools. Extra tutoring. Never a minute spare.
It was all thrown away...
..to die on the floor of a squat.
A squat!
Kids.
Give them the opportunities you never had.
Everything I never had.
Not like me. I was pregnant and on my own at 19.
- Yeah? - Mm-hm.
Where is Mr Maureen?
Oh, he's long gone.
Yeah.
You try keeping a man in your life with all that going on.
They don't stay long, none of them.
We didn't really see eye to eye
when it came to keeping drug dealers tied up in the spare bedroom.
So...
Oh, sorry.
He wasn't, um...
he wasn't Rachel's dad or anything.
Didn't really know her.
Sooner or later...
..everybody runs away from me.
- Did Rachel run away? - Yeah.
Why do you think she did that?
I don't know.
Must've hurt.
You pick up the pieces.
You ever see her again?
Um...
Um...there was this one time she came... she came and called at the house, yeah.
But...
You didn't see her?
Er...no, not quite. I did, um...
yeah, I opened the door, but...
Did you shut that door on her, Maureen?
What?
Did she come to you for help?
She needed to learn that there were boundaries,
and she couldn't just come swanning back into my life with all that chaos.
I'd moved on!
I needed to show her I was serious!
I didn't think that she'd...
All this time, you've been looking for someone to blame.
If I knew who was responsible for the death of my child,
I'd personally deliver them to the gates of hell.
MUSIC PLAYS Tune!
FRANK LAUGHS DRUNKENLY Fucking bloke from the tabloid...
..says...
"Cheers for the fuckin' video, mate,
"but...there doesn't appear to be
"any players from United called...Chesney!
"But feel free
"to send any other videos you may have
"of you sucking off...
"anybody!"
Do you fancy coming upstairs, then?
- What's up with you? - You.
Why are you being all moody now? I thought we had a buzz.
It was a laugh, being different people.
But now you default to being the same reject from a Carry On film.
Do you want to hear a theory?
Carl...
not as thick as he looks.
Hmm.
It's a wild theory. And if it's true, the universe might just implode.
What if it's all a ploy
- to make you jealous? - How?
I might have been interested once, but now...
Cos it did provoke a pretty extreme reaction.
He might not have anticipated you turning up at the club.
But since you did, all your cards are laid on the table.
Any attempt at bluffing's meaningless.
- Get the fuck out of here! - (Ian) Come on, Metal Micky.
MEN CHEER DRUNKENLY
BABY CRIES The wonder of nature, Bunty.
A joy to be around. A gift.
Yeah. It's a shame you never had any of your own.
You can't put a price on spending time with your kids.
But if you had to, how does 50 pence an hour sound?
The RSPCA might not be prepared to give you a second chance, Bunty, but I will.
- Deal. - Great.
See you later.
If I can give him a second chance, you should be able to.
You can't go through with this. You've got to call this engagement off.
I'm trying to tell you something, and I don't know how to tell you it.
Would this be the same thing you've been saying since I met him?
No! Although I do think he's a cunt, and I wish you'd never laid eyes on him.
Have you any idea what it's like trying to move on,
knowing that not even everyone you know
but everyone you care about thinks you're a knob
because of something they know fuck-all about?
Any fucking idea how insulting to my intelligence that is?
He fucked me!
I'm pregnant.
Karen...
..you need help.
I think you might need to see someone.
You're retreating into your own little fantasy world
to compensate for your problems.
Problems?
Losing the baby.
And I know you're not happy.
Joe's told me about what happened...
..when you...
You coming on to him at the football.
I'm not angry.
- He's not angry. - What the fuck are you talking about?
Karen, it's not an admission of defeat to take some help.
Do you know what?
Just get the fuck away from me! I was trying to help you.
Just do one!
KNOCK AT DOOR
Sorry. Mandy, phone for you.
You're not gonna believe this.
A woman's just called to say she's found a wallet
with 300 quid in it, no ID, just a raffle ticket
for a raffle at The Jockey pub, Chatsworth.
Can I return it to the rightful owner, or should she take it to the police station?
- No! - Serious!
- That could be someone's wages. - Wages? Wages? That's a killer!
OK. Attention, everyone!
It's probably not worth asking, but has anyone lost a wallet
with 300 quid...
UPROAR
300 quid...raffle ticket...
There is no wallet. She's winding you up.
Seriously, I was just sat there thinking, "I'll just get myself another pint."
I put my hand in my pocket and thought, "That's funny - where's my wallet?"
- I'm just... - As if you'd buy a raffle ticket.
How dare you?!
Nice little engagement gift, that. Just get back here with the dough, rapid.
I can't be dealing with this engagement do and the family on my own.
- Thanks, mate. - Hey. See you later.
TAPPING
And so, in the time-honoured tradition of the fairytale,
it begins, "Once upon a time..."
and ends, "..happily ever after".
But...just like old Lenny Crabsticks sang in that song...
sometimes it ain't over till it's over.
Hello. I'm Mandy Maguire. We spoke on the phone earlier about the wallet.
And the winning ticket is...number 76!
Yeah, baby!
Get on! Yeah!
Hello, sweetheart. How are you?
You all right?
Mimi.
That problem. I want you to know I've fixed it.
Maureen?
That psycho bitch was outside my house at 5 o'clock this morning,
threatening to kill herself, screaming all over the estate, looking for you.
You haven't sorted anything.
You've just made things worse.
Now you really will have to sort it.
Joe's car's outside. They're here.
Ssh!
ALL CHEER
Oh, shit, she's not with me. She won't be long.
(Sighing) I'm, um...
..a friend of your father's.
Are you Maureen?
The one that kidnapped him?
I just think it's about time we put this whole thing to bed,
If you'll help me.
I'll just go and see if the kettle's boiled.
It's not fair. I took that call. She could have told me about it.
300 quid? No way would I have told any of you fuckers!
- Why didn't she? - I dunno.
She specifically asked for Mandy Maguire.
I should have just asked, "What's it regarding?"
PHONE KEYS BLEEP
QUIET HISSING
Hello! Hello?
HISSING
PHONE RINGS
SHE COUGHS
Mandy, when you get this message, call your da as soon as possible, OK?
Get out the fucking way!
THEY COUGH
Mandy!
Mandy! Mandy!
Are you in there?
Dad! Dad!
Dad!
Mandy!
No!
GLASS TINKLES
GLASS SMASHES
(Kelly) "And Froggy said, 'What an adventure,'
"as he yawned a big yawn and snuggled up in his bed to have lovely dreams. "
He won't go into the woods by himself again now, will he?
That's little Froggy there, isn't it? He's got his mirror...
(Sniffing)..and his backpack.
Do you know what that is?
That's a duck, isn't it?
Can you turn the page?
That's it, you've got it.
Mam and Dad are going to take the rest of the ashes back to Ireland.
Scatter them in the Shannon.
That's nice, mate. It's really thoughtful.
You know I'm here for you.
If you need anything...
# 'Tis the last rose of summer
# Left blooming alone
# All her lovely companions
# Are faded and gone
# No flower of her kindred
# No rosebud is nigh
MANDY'S VOICE JOINS IN # To reflect back her blushes
# Or to give sigh for sigh
# I'll not leave thee, thou lone one
# To pine on the stem
# Since the lovely are sleeping
# Go sleep now with them
# Most kindly I'll scatter
# Thy leaves on the bed
# Where thy mates of thy garden
# Lie scentless and dead. #
TAPPING
Yee-hah!
MUSIC: I'm Shipping Up To Boston by Dropkick Murphys
# I'm a sailor peg and I've lost my leg
# Climbing up the topsails I lost my leg... #
Fuck off.
November 1989.
- Don't fucking touch me. - The Stone Roses played Ally Pally.
Half of Manchester followed them down on coaches put on from Piccadilly.
Me and Monica took the kids. They were all there...
- Fuck off! -..in the right place at the right time,
buzzing our tits off to the single most important band since the Beatles,
when, after standing here, some wrong 'un down the front
starts chanting, "Manchester, la, la, la, Manchester, la, la, la. "
And Ian Brown just says to him,
"It ain't where you're from, mate, it's where you're at. Right?"
That band could have changed the world.
It was theirs for the taking. They had it all.
It were just like Georgie Best 20 years earlier.
What could have been never was, and it broke our hearts.
Manchester, the world's first industrial ghetto.
It ain't where you're from, it's where you're at.
So 20 years on, this is where we're at.
Bon Viveurs R Us.
People round here make the most of the time they've been given,
and they know that life is unfair and all too brief.
All right, some of them might have had too many nipples and not enough teeth,
but when all's said and done, they're smart enough
to understand that one of the most vital necessities in life -
and death, for that matter - is they know how to throw a party!
(Paddy) Gallaghe-e-e-e-er!
Scatter!
- Yeah? - My name's Miss Twill.
I'm a foster care assessor.
I have an appointment.
They don't live here any more. They're next door.
I have an interview with a Mr Francis Gallagher.
He's registered his interest in becoming a foster parent.
Urgh!